One Liners Wishes and Status Messages - Page 2

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovel

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It''s a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it''s mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
Matt

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I''ve got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I''m not hard yet"

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin'' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they''re all mine"

WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
BOO-BEE

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

What''s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A lickalotopis

What''s slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

Whats best about shagging Twenty - Eight year olds?
There is Twenty of them!

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it''s hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It''s a talking muffin"

What do you call an afghan virgin
Mever bin laid on

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!